Puzzled mind. Weary heart. Exhausted body.
These were the status of my mind, heart, and body when I dragged myself in balancing work and studies.
Surviving with my family was my fundamental goal when coronavirus disease 2019 (COVID-19) ignited to undermine human lives. This dreadful pandemic has brought me and my family to a decision where my studies would be at stake - to work for a living.
In December of 2020, I was forced to apply for a job. I was immediately hired on January 10, 2021, as a customer service representative in one of the Business Process Outsourcing (BPO) companies here in Cebu. My shift was scheduled to be from 10:30 pm until 7:30 am. Upon knowing this, I have known that I will be in a boiling pit of trouble since my class starts at 7:30 am. Due to the unwavering drive in saving my family from the horrendous situation, I clasped the opportunity amidst the knowledge of the foregoing trouble.
Months have passed, and I have been dusting off the tiredness sheltered in my being. Every time my shift swivels to its end, I perpetually grab my cellphone to check if my 7:30 am class has already started. Shamelessly, I would join the class while riding the bus since this is the sole way of preventing myself from being a late attendee.
The moment I would get home, I would wait for another class to begin. I sometimes sleep while I am in the meeting since severe tiredness would typically attack my whole system. This is only a glimpse of burn from the boiling pit of trouble and I know this could get worse, however, I opted to proceed in believing that it could just be bearable.
Contrasting to what I believe, it was absolutely far from bearable. I started feeling sick and unwell; vomiting oftentimes and getting dizzy every time, that I constantly go to the clinic to infer why my body was behaving in such ways. In March of 2021, Dr. Damole said that I am stressed from work and school, and I needed sufficient time to rest.
I assumed instantly that if I took my time to rest, my body would abruptly withstand the raging tempest of work and studies, but I was entirely incorrect. When midterm exams started, I was completely a wreck. I would panic while I am working and I would always think about the lessons in school and the projects I was not able to comply with. It was exceedingly draining that I would constantly cry a river when I am alone.
"I should stop studying."
These are the words I would repeatedly utter as I dwell in the ocean of perplexities. Tears would serve as comfort for me, as they help me soak my dry being. I tend to believe that if I let go of my studies, I would feel alright and the tiredness would just vanish away. But again, as always, I am completely wrong.
I gaped at the certificates and awards plastered on the wall of my room and I astoundingly caught of a sudden thought, "Is it my studies that are hindering me to feel fine?"
I was caught on a realization that I cannot just let go of my studies. I went this far, and it is cowardice to jump on the thought of leaving the institution that I desired even when I was a young grader.
In April of 2021, I resigned from the job that has helped me lifting my family from hunger. It was a decision that I and my mom had agreed to and I perceived it as a tough one. Even without it, we were still able to eat three times a day which led me to think that there are other ways to alleviate your loved ones in surviving these hard times.
I realized I was only thinking of ultimate survival with the help of the job that I was hired to, when in fact, there are various ways to survive even without risking education.
I was on the verge of letting go of my studies, but I was and will permanently be gratified that it was just an 'almost'.
Written and Photographed by: Angelica Mikaela Auman
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